Saturday, May 28, 2005

My whiteboard is controversial

There is a white board hanging outside the door to my dorm room. I guess those things are generally used to let people know what their names are and give little messages that people think are cute or fun. You know, standard bullshit.
Anyway, I decided it would be funny to draw a little guy giving the finger on there, just to let people know my general attitude toward whiteboards. Nothing especially offensive, just a pissed off little guy giving the finger. However, I found out later that someone had erased the middle finger, and wrote the word "NO" on there. I'm guessing it was the guy that has the picture of Jesus hugging a lamb on his door (that is the exact picture, by the way), since just about every other person in our hall is either one of those crazy drunk girls, or a dense 7-foot tall football player, and I'm sure both of those groups would appreciate the picture. Anyway, I replaced the finger, and added a little note on my whiteboard saying "please leave my whiteboard alone." An hour later, after returning from the bathroom, I realized that someone had erased the finger yet again, and this time had cleverly inserted the word "don't" in front of "leave," which for all you geniuses out there is basically a suggestion for people to fuck with my whiteboard.

This was war.

I quickly retaliated by erasing the whole thing, and writing the word "SHIT" in big, bold letters that encompassed the entire whiteboard. They were screwing with the wrong guy here. Of course, within a couple hours the word was erased, so I just wrote something even more offensive in it's place. As a month passed, with the ante being continually upped, the whiteboard became nothing more than a long, random stream of obscenities ranging from the word "douchebag" to that old chestnut, "fucknuts". The board eventually held 5-6 obscenities at any given time, and much to my surprise, people were actually enjoying reading it! I managed to catch occasional glimpses of people walking past my door, saying to their friends "All right! What does it say this time?"

Unfortunately, tragedy struck on Friday morning, when I learned that someone had apparently punched the whiteboard as hard as they could, busting pieces off of it and leaving an enormous dent. I guess I had pushed Mr. Love-and-Forgiveness-Turn-The-Other-Cheek Jesus-Pants over the edge this time. However, I have requested another whiteboard, and the craziness will soon return. In the meantime, I have replaced the whiteboard with a piece of paper that says "DOUCHE ASS WHORE" in sharpie. If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

I'm just so tired of all these Star Wars

Star Wars was pretty good. It was about as good as a movie that is almost completely CGI can be (so yeah, it was about as good as Final Fantasy: The Spirit Within).
But yeah, I did have some problems with the movie. For one thing, I think I'll have to take some therapy to get over all the unnecessary CGI. It was almost as bad as Daredevil, which even went as far as to graphically render a rat rather than actually go out and find a real one.
Also, Hayden Christensen is a really bad actor. I don't know if you knew that or not, but he is. I was very disappointed to see a character as cool as Darth Vader being portrayed as such a whiny little bastard. The only actors in the movie that were actually any good were Ewan McGregor and Samuel L. Jackson (although that cyborg jedi thing was pretty sweet).
Speaking of Star Wars, what is with these commercials? The overlying theme seems to be "Star Wars characters being dicks." In one, Darth Vader is trying to con some guy out of his million dollars by saying he's his father, and in another one he's choking the M&Ms guy (who doesn't even have a neck... I guess he's squeezing his intestines or something). And Yoda using the jedi mind trick to steal someone's food? What a douche.
Anyway, a new comic will be up soon. I've been all addicted to this computer game for the last week, so whatever.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

What is the deal with movies

Hello everyone. Today's blog is being guest-written by my friend Kyle McMahon, whom the character of McMahon is based off of. Gorsky is also based off of a real person, but I'm not going to tell you which one.

*********************

hey everyone guess what i wrote a script for a movie! i'll bet you didn't think i could do something like that considering that you don't even really know me or didn't know i was a real person until now but i don't think that matters too much

anyway, here is a copy of the letter i sent to universal studios along with my script... i would attach the entire script to this blog but i'm afraid that if it was ever made into a movie it might violate some copyright thing or whatever, and besides its too long but you can get a pretty good idea of the script from the letter

here it is----

dear universal studios,
i have attached a script for a movie to be made by my favorite director danny devito who made such films as throw momma from the train and death to smoochy... i think you will find it is just as good as those movies if not better

the basis of the film is that michael madsen falls into a vat of toxic waste and gets the power of super smell, but unfortunately all he can smell is like every fart ever made throughout time, so he throws up a lung and dies
also there is christopher reeves and he plays michael madsen after he dies so there are two big name actors in there
please tell me what you think of my idea
sincerely,
kyle mcmahon

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

What the hell Hewlett Packard

I set up my old printer for the first time in about three months today because I needed to print something, and what do you know, it was out of ink. So, I went and dug out my backup ink cartridge (which was pretty new... it hadn't been used or anything), plugged it in, and guess what? It didn't have any ink in it.
This is the last fucking straw, Hewlett Packard. I've dealt with your shitty printers that I can't get drivers for off the internet, I've suffered through your monitors that get all fuzzy and make that high pitched squealing noise that I can't get out of my brain, and by god, I've even paid for one of your grossly overpriced ink cartridges (which normally only make about 10 prints before screwing up the colors and making everything green), but it will be a cold day in hell if I tolerate you wasting my money by giving me an ink cartridge that DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANY GODDAMN INK IN IT. SHIT.
If I ever see a Hewlett Packard product in a store, I will go out of my way to avoid it, even if it is cheaper than its counterparts from different brands, because I know that it will disappoint me. I know you'll just screw me over once more if I decide to put my faith in you, as you have so many times in the past. If I ever meet a person that even WORKS at Hewlett Packard, I will shun them. If I was a frightening bald man, I would probably look like this right now.You have officially made it onto my list of brands which I will never, ever buy from, and which I will advise others not to buy from (along with McDonalds, Pepsi, Folger's Coffee, Smooth Move brand laxative, and World Candies brand Candy Cigarettes).
Why did you have to do this to me, Hewlett Packard.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

I'm sure getting tired of all these politics

People occasionally ask me why I don't make my comics more political. This is a very important question, one that I shall address. After all, you should know these things about me, since I'm just so goddamned interesting. Also, you're like some kind of voyeur.
The answer to this question is trifurcated in nature, in that it is... like, three answers. I'll put them in list form, so it is easier for you to understand.

1. Are you some kind of idiot
I've announced on several occasions that I am starting a political comic with my buddy Mike. Why won't you listen to me?

2. Politics make me sick if I pay attention to them for too long
I used to love politics. Hell, I was going to be a journalism major for a while. However, once I started getting into the thick of it, I realized that I was feeling sick all the time. I had a constant stomach ache, I got frequent migraines, and at one point one of my toenails even turned blue and fell off (although I think that might have been for a different reason). Now that I'm basically a hermit, I'm happier and healthier than I've ever been. Of course, at times I feel guilty about my self-imposed apathy (especially while talking to Mike), but it eventually fades.

3. I have better things to be pissed off about
The thing about politics is that no matter how enraged you get, no matter how many letters you write to the editor, and no matter how many times you vote (although I'm pretty sure you're only allowed to vote once in an election, but I could be wrong), some asshole columnist is just going to summarize your actions in about four sentences and call you a "whiner." However, if some fucker in your dorm's public bathroom keeps tuning the radio to the country station and turning the volume all the way up, you can easily deal with the problem by stealing his clothes when he goes to take a shower. See, I prefer to take direct actions when dealing with problems, which is why I feel so hesitant to take on the enormous task of being a "politico," whatever that is.

Besides, if I integrate politics into Biscuits for Breakfast, then I risk alienating half of my potential readers when I don't have very many readers to begin with. I guess this is kind of like a fourth reason, but I don't give a damn. You can go screw yourself.

-Alex

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

No offense to Ben and Jerry's

I came up with the idea for this comic while surfing around on the internet for websites associated with food products. Don't ask me why.

Oh, by the way, Tom Goes To the Mayor is still one of the best shows I've seen in a long time.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Hey look a blog why not

I decided that since all the cool people out there (excluding weird teenage girls and pedophiles) are making blogs these days, I would jump on the coolness bandwagon and get to the business of being extra cool. How cool is that?

Extra cool.

Also, since I don't know diddly shit about HTML, I decided that I can just make my news posts here without them being obliterated with each update. Hooray.

As you may have noticed, the visuals in my comics have been increasing in quality as of late. Whether this is because I have been frequenting Google Images is beside the point; the point is that they look better this way, and it doesn't take as long, which means more comics. Besides, I don't hear anyone complaining. Especially not you.