Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Go fuck yourself, Internet.

Some of you might have noticed by now, but I thought it was important to mention that I had to change the comments policy on this blog because a ton of spammers started making anonymous comments, and I ain't having none of that shit. So, if any of you want to contact me or say some crap about whatever kinda crap I don't know, you'll have to go get a blogger account to do so. Or if you want to go the old-fashioned way, don't hesitate to email me at valuedan@comcast.net. I'm still in the phase where I'm just famous enough to be able to respond to all the emails that are sent to me, so you will almost definitely get a response. Be sure to send emails with my name in it, or something that would let me know you're not some scammer trying to sell me scallops or Viagra or something.

Ahem... on an unrelated note, I'm going to Maryland this Labor Day weekend to visit my internet-only friend Daggabouche for the first time. It is very surreal to suddenly realize that a person you've only talked to on the internet is actually a real live person that has blood and probably feces inside him. It really says something about one's perception of existence itself, and the secret inner belief that nothing really exists until you're actually looking right at it. Hooray for quasi-nihilism!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Why does I take so long

Every once in a while, some douchebag will come up to me and say "HAY DAN HOW COME YOU TAKE SO LONG TO MAKE COMICS" and not end his sentence with a question mark. I can tell that he doesn't end his sentence with a question mark at this point because his voice doesn't go up at the end. Also, the whole sentence is spoken in a monotone fashion, and when he finishes the sentence, he stands there with his mouth hanging wide open. This happens maybe once a month.

Anyway, I'd like to answer this question for all of you right now, so there will be no more of this nonsense. I will demonstrate exactly what happens when I am given less than a week to make new comics. Ready? It's coming.



I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I did making it. Oh wait, I think I still have another one left in me...



There. All the hilarity of Toothpaste For Dinner, and none of the artistic talent. The next time any one of you gets the urge to complain about my lack of updates, just look at this post, and I'm sure all your concerns will be alleviated.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

You've got an arm off!

I'm finally back from Texas. I spent about six hours on the plane on the way to Spokane today, which is apparently a long time by stewardess standards, since by the end of the flight they were like "Why are you still here? This is like the 4th can of Coke I've served you! WHY DIDN'T YOU GET OFF IN OAKLAND?!?" But I kid the stewardesses.
When you're sitting on a plane for a long time without any mental stimulus, you tend to get deeply philosophical about things that are just totally stupid. Like, I was thinking about the social implications of losing an arm at a young age as opposed to only losing part of your arm and having a nub sticking off your body. When you lose your entire arm, or sustain a similar injury, it's almost as if you've earned some sort of street cred as a human. People treat you like you've somehow experienced more in your life, and that you're a better person because of it, even though if you'd actually lost your arm you'd probably get pretty annoyed if people treated you like that.
On the other hand, if you only lost part of your arm and you just had a nub, that would be a completely different situation. A nub indicates a sad story, rather than a cool disfigurement. Any coolness is immediately lost by the grossness of the nub, and besides, it only reminds other people of the fragility of life, and that the exact same thing could easily happen to them. You are an outcast when you have a nub.
When you have a robot hand or a claw, though, you're the life of the fucking party. Everybody wants to be friends with that guy. Some people would rip off their own arms just to get robot hands, because then people are all like "you're a cyborg... whoa!" All a person has to do at that point is learn to play an electric guitar, and they're like the world's biggest rockstar. But hey, I kid the people without arms.
Anyway, while I was away, some guy named Kaleb sent me a guest comic, so I put it up. He doesn't have a website yet, but I support the webcomic community to the point that I don't have to support them financially, so he's cool.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Texas smells like farts

Well, after four days of driving, I finally made it to Texas. I'm staying at my brother's new apartment at Texas A&M, which is pretty nice. Now, I don't want to offend any of you Texans out there, because I appreciate that you look at my site and all, but Texas smells really bad. I mean it, too. I can't get away from the pungent aroma of mildew and old barbecue. It's really hot and muggy, too, and a lot of people don't wear shirts, and the roads are really crappy, and we saw some cops harrass some black guys and search their van for drugs and not find any. I guess that's the kind of thing that happens to a state when they don't pay their fair share of taxes.
Along the way, we also spent a while in Dallas at Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was shot by the CIA. A very nice conspiracy theorist saw us taking pictures of the book depository and decided to sell us a copy of the "JFK News" for five dollars. It's an interesting eight-page newspaper with a bunch of pictures of bullets going through guys at weird angles and some other ones of Oswald making that funny "oh no I'm being shot" face. We stood on the Grassy Knoll, stood in the same place where a member of the Mafia shot Kennedy in the head, and I recreated the Zapruder Film using my video camera.
Some short comments about the states we drove through on the way to Texas:
1. Idaho sells sunglasses and doesn't let people use their bathrooms unless you buy sunglasses. Go fuck yourself, Idaho.
2. Just about every building in Montana has a sign on it that says "Welcome Fishermen."
3. Wyoming is pretty much exactly the same as Montana. It even has part of the same national park in it (Yellowstone). Unfortunately, it mostly has the part of the park that burned down because some lazy park rangers thought it would be a good idea to not put forest fires out if they were naturally caused. Thanks for ruining most of Yellowstone, Wyoming. You jackasses.
4. All the drivers in Colorado are dumb assholes that don't use their turn signals. Also, Denver is pretty much just a smoking hive of industry with a Six Flags Theme Park in it. Real classy, Colorado.
5. Kansas is really flat, and it has lots of ironic religious signs. There was this one that said "Abortion stops a beating heart," but instead of the word "heart," it was just a little picture of a heart, so it looked like it said "Abortion stops a beating."
6. Oklahoma has red dirt. I can't really say anything else about Oklahoma because I wasn't paying that much attention at this point, but I'm sure I'd have something disparaging to say about it if I was (note: this was the first state since we'd left Washington that had coffee that actually tasted good. I guess Washington has just spoiled me in this way).
7. The first thing we saw when we were entering Texas was the world's biggest adult book store. I guess that's just Texas' way of saying to the world "Hey, I ain't queer!" Also, all the vehicles on the road are either semis or those big fat-ass Ford trucks that aren't actually used to pull or carry anything. We would see up to six ribbons on any given truck, because Texas apparently supports their troops so much that they would make their macho trucks really gay looking like that. Way to take one for the team, Texas.
I'll post a comic sometime when I get back to Spokane, because I don't have a scanner right now. This is such a great excuse.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Short letters that I will send to people

Dear Comcast:
How come I cannot check my email. What is the deal
Love,
Danny Alexander

Dear They Might Be Giants:
Quit making childrens albums. I am tired of them.
Truly Yours Forever,
Danny Alexander

Dear Chinese Restaurant That Is Down The Street From My House:
Next time I eat at your restaurant please let me use a fork if I want to. Your rice doesn't have enough cohesion for me to pick it up with chopsticks in a practical manner.
Sincerely,
Danny Alexander

Dear Rubiks Cube Incorporated:
Why are Rubiks Cubes so hard.
Love,
Danny Alexander

Dear guy who broke a hole in my snare drum when he was drumming on it a year ago when I went to that stupid drum circle thing:
Why did you do that.
Regards,
Danny Alexander

Dear Keenspace/ComicGenesis:
Thanks for putting my site up for free. If you could please not put ads on my site that are basically porno, that would be fantastic. Also, I'm not changing my site name to "valuedan.comicgenesis.com" because that name is pretty much bullshit all the way through.
Sincelery,
Danny Alexander

Dear Mike Ramsey:
Thanks for making the gust (sic) comic, guy. I should have had you make it this next week instead of the previous week because I'm going to Texas but I'm not going to tell you to make another one because that would be a lot of work on your part and I would feel bad about putting you in that position so I'm just going to not post anything for a week. I hope you feel guilty about this.
All the best,
Danny Alexander

Dear World Of Warcraft:
Maybe you should release a patch that makes the game fun.
Signed,
Danny Alexander

Dear Comedy Central:
Stop showing Mad TV. Stop showing Mind of Mencia. Stop showing the new episodes of South Park. Stop showing anything with Adam Corolla. Stop showing that D.L. Hugley show. Stop showing those generic teen comedies that seem to have just come out of nowhere because I sure as hell didn't see them at the theater. Be sure to never show old episodes of Drawn Together again. Thanks for cancelling that Norm McDonald show after the first episode.

Dear My New Car:
You are the best car.
Love,
Danny Alexander

Saturday, August 13, 2005

My drawings make Buddha weep in agony

Hello everyone. The next comic will be posted on Tuesday. It's another guest comic by Mike Ramsey (http://sidwood.net), who continues to amaze me not only with his artistic talent, but with his amazing ability to perfectly recreate the curse-ridden dialogue of my comics. Just thought I'd give you guys a heads-up, so you don't think I've suddenly improved in artistic style or something.

I'd also like to remind all you inattentive people that I am now selling t-shirts for my site. They're Cafepress, meaning there's a chance that they'll be of poor quality, but if you're a big enough fan of my comics to buy a shirt, I'm sure you're used to that kind of thing by now. Check me out, I'm all self-depricating, therefore making me immune to criticism. You can't even handle that.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

HEY YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS

Hey, I got a great idea: how about instead of doing something to make your comic actually better, why not just stick a bunch of nudie pictures on there? I say this because I'm sick - literally SICK - of comics that are actually capable of standing on their own by being funny and/or well written. I mean, when I'm surfing the net, do you think I'm looking for something even the slightest bit intellectually stimulating, or even (god forbid) amusing? No, I want naked ladies, and that's it, and if you give me ANYTHING ELSE I will definitely send you an email with a bunch of misspelled words calling you all sorts of nasty names because I am a stupid fucking idiot.
Take for example, the top ten comics on Top Web Comics. Here, we got 10 comics, and can you believe it, only SIX of them have sexually enticing ladies on their banners? And the number one comic right now is some crap called "the n00b" and the banner has a guy with a big nose!

Hey, and here's an even better idea! Why not take the even lazier route and have someone draw nudie pictures of your characters FOR YOU and put them on your forum signature? That way you don't have to go to all the trouble of even drawing the ladies yourself, probably because all your hands are too cramped up to do so. I don't understand all these "artists" who apparently "take their work seriously" and "draw things themselves" to get people "to" look at their "web" sit"e". I mean, come on! That guy is drawing THONG BIKINIS and, I quote, "a blonde girl with fairly short hair inside a washing machine, drinking vodka."

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Make-me-a-website contest

Okay, here's the deal: my website is ugly. I want a better looking website. Since I'm moving to a new site (http://biscuitsforbreakfast.keenspace.com) and I don't know very much about HTML and I refuse to learn, I'm making the offer of a lifetime to any readers out there that know how to do that sort of thing.
If you want to help me make a new site design (and I'm sure that you do), show me an example of a site you've made, and we'll talk. Whoever I decide can make my website for me will get these awesome prizes:

1. I will buy a t-shirt for you and have it mailed to your house. It must be a Biscuits for Breakfast t-shirt (I'm conveniently setting up a crappy t-shirt service with Cafepress so people can buy their own shirts from now on).
2. You get to guest star in a real honest-to-god comic (or more than one comic, if you're really interesting or easy to draw).
3. I'll link to whatever site you have and talk about it every once in a while... but not too much.

I'm not sure about what kind of style I want the site to have, so if you have suggestions, I'd be willing to hear them.

If you want to contact me, either post something on this board, or email it to valuedan@comcast.net. Be sure to link me to YOUR site, and not some porno site. I'm not an idiot.

UPDATE (Sept. 12th): The contest is over. Some guy is making me a website, so if you were all set on making me one, you're all slow and stuff.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Coke is on my last nerve

Man, if I see that commercial where those kids are playing music on the roof of a building and drinking Coke and that one guy holds his guitar up in the air in a dramatic pose like he's some kind of hotshot rockstar ONE MORE TIME, I'm totally going to just puke in the nearest coffee pot.
See, as you might remember from an earlier post, Pepsi has been on my official list of products I absolutely will not buy for quite a while now. This was not based on the taste when compared to Coke - frankly, I cannot tell the difference (same goes with butter and margarine, mayo and salad dressing, whatever). I based this decision solely off of the commercials. At the time, Pepsi made the most god-awful, annoying commercials ever, with that little girl that changed her voice to sound like cowboys and old black men. Don't get me started on the ones with Britney Spears neither, because I just don't want to even try to remember those.
However, the most recent Coke commercials have been surpassing the Pepsi ones in sheer irritance. There's the one mentioned above, there's the ones where some guy is holding a can of Coke and all these giant bubbles are flying around and everyone just has this shit-eating grin on their faces... or the ones where they take classic songs that you used to enjoy listening to, and then just hack them to pieces and make you associate them with the horrible commercials (I'm looking at you too, McDonalds). Coke ruined a perfectly good Rolling Stones song that way with their goddamned Coca-Cola Minus 5 or whatever the hell diet shit they're putting out now.
I'm giving Coke another month before I switch sides and become a Pepsi man. Brand loyalty has never really been my thing, but if they're going to keep bombarding me with this shit, they're going to suffer the consequences.