Thursday, April 27, 2006

Wolf Creek sucked

I just saw Wolf Creek on DVD. It stank. Plot devices were introduced and just thrown away, characters died pointless deaths, and the ending was unsatisfying.

For those of you that haven't seen this movie but want to spend two hours being mad at a movie, don't scroll down, because there are like some spoilers that I will mark with the word spoilers.





Here it comes.






spoilers




Who here likes movies where the main character just dies for no reason at the end? If you just read that and your arm shot up like you were in donut class and the teacher just asked "who here wants donuts," then this is the movie for you and also please tell me whether donut class would get me credits for my International Affairs major and why you raised your hand even though you are on the internet.
The first forty minutes of the movie are basically build-up to the "scary" part, introducing characters and helping you get attached to them. You get an insight to the characters' individual personalities and eventually start wondering whether you just rented a horror movie or not because the only thing scary about the first forty minutes is the stupid brooding music (note: muting a horror movie makes it 75% less scary, try it some time). Of course, once the "scary" part starts, their personalities just fly out the door and they become cookie-cutter victims just like in every other horror movie where they never stop screaming and do stupid things that could get them killed. And then they DO get killed except for some guy that you don't really care about. Then the movie is pretty much over.

A good way to determine whether a movie was good or not? Try to summarize the plot in a few sentences. "Some people in Australia go on vacation, and a killer picks them up and tries to torture and kill them. They escape, but later, they get killed anyway except for one guy that was barely focused on, and they explain him away with some captions at the end of the movie."

Try to do that shit with the Godfather. You can't.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Oh god I'm sleepy why am I even bothering right now

The last comic was kind of an epilogue. Kind of an ending of that particular story and the beginning of a new particular story that is particular about something that is about battle tanks.

Or maybe not. Anyway, the next comic, which I will begin working on tomorrow (today?) will make you be all like "whoa, I wasn't expecting that." Because you won't be expecting that, and "that" will be ridiculously ridiculous.

In unrelated news, my grandfather just died today (yesterday?) so I am not that happy right now. You don't need to be all like "oh man sorry dude that is harsh" though because it's not like I'm fishing for pity or anything, because that would be a jackass thing to do.

Just like your mom.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Webcomics Roundup Pt. 3

I've been getting requests to do another Webcomics Roundup that are exactly like hotcakes (I'm not sure exactly how that phrase is supposed to go though so please to be not criticism). Turns out that other people hate webcomics almost as much as I do, so I'm not just some lone asshole making fun of people for no reason anymore. HERE WE GO

1 - A Strange Fruit by Raegan Millhollin

When I saw the front page of this comic, I thought "hey, that's a pretty cool graphic right there. Maybe this comic won't be that ba..." WRONG. "A Strange Fruit" seems to be another badly drawn anime comic by some guy that is obviously not Japanese, except it has the twist that it's totally gay. At least, I assume it's gay because all the characters look like women but not all of them have breasts. Anyway, go read this comic if you like to look at androgynous men kiss each other and then get stabbed and they're all bloody and oh wait they're kissing again and now they're in bed.

Man, fuck this comic.

2 - Resident Dysentary by "flux"

Now, this is the kind of comic that makes it hard to do these Roundups. On the one hand, the plot is just stupid as hell (based off of the Resident Evil videogames), it's drawn in anime style (again), and it's hard to get attached to any of the characters because they all look the same and don't have any distinctive personalities...

On the other hand, it's actually occasionally funny, which is actually a high honor when it comes to webcomics. Even if you only make one really funny comic for every ten boring, stupid comics, you're still way ahead of about 80% of the other shitheels out there. Resident Dysentary deserves an "okay" ranking, but my comic is still better. Sorry, Resident Dysentary, that's just what I think.

3 - Cy-Boar by Lou Graziani

I don't feel so good about criticizing this particular comic because it's on Eyeskream, which is actually a legitimate webcomics group that my homie Ken belongs to (go look at Ken's comic right now if you know what's good for you, by the way), but come on. Cy-Boar? What the fuck IS this?

Apparently, some scientists abduct a pig and transform him into a cybernetic pig-man that ends up escaping with his other cybernetic animal friends to kill farmers and such. I might actually welcome this absolutely ridiculous plot were it not for the fact that this comic takes itself really fucking seriously. I'm not a real big fan of anthropomorphic animals, either (except for the Spelling Bunny, of course), and I'm not a real big fan of gross violence in cartoons either, so I'll have to pass on Cy-Boar.

I mean, come on. Fucking Cy-Boar. What the fuck?

4 - Plugged Nickel by Ronald MacKinnon

Man, ANOTHER furry comic? I am FUCKING SICK OF FURRY COMICS. ENOUGH WITH THE FURRY COMICS ALREADY, INTERNET, THEY'RE NEVER ANY GOOD AND THEY AREN'T FUNNY AND IT'S A STUPID IDEA ANYWAYS.

You know what? I'm not even going to read this goddamn comic. Fuck Plugged Nickel. This comic can go fuck itself, I don't even care.

5 - NetherOak by David R. Dryburgh

This comic actually isn't so bad. It seems to be about post-apocalyptic ravers that get in fights a lot and also there's some giant Transformers that punch each other in the face. I have to give this comic props because it seems to have gradually morphed from a kind of generic not-all-that-outstanding webcomic with unfunny jokes to an interestingly drawn comic book-style action comic with an outlandish plot and a bunch of people shooting at each other. Go ahead and look at both of those links... believe it or not, they were indeed written and drawn by the same person.

So, again, this comic ain't that bad. For the sake of being an asshole, though, I'm going to say that my comic is way better and that I should be ahead of this guy in the ranking. You can definitly suck it, David R. Dryburgh.

Things that inexplicably make me really, really mad

-When Americans say anything in Japanese, ever

-The overamplified sound of coffee dripping in Folgers commercials

-The G4 Channel

-The movie Moulin Rouge

-Rock music with female singers (excluding the Pixies)

-Rock music with singers that sound like Kurt Cobain (excluding Kurt Cobain)

-The game "The Adventures of Fatman"

-Everything on the Fox network

-When some on TV starts laughing maniacally and then goes into coughing fits

-That canned children's laughter that they've been using for 40 years

-Anything that the President says

-People that think their t-shirts are just hilarious when they obviously aren't actually hilarious

-Katamari Damacy

-The fact that people watch anime on a regular basis

-People who chew on raw potatoes and just act like it's a completely normal thing to do

-Bands that sound good but have really stupid-sounding names (Cat Power?!?)

-Leslie Neilson

-People with high-pitched British accents

-People with dumb-cracker Southern accents

-People who say "speak English!" when they hear a technical term they don't understand

-E-mail

-When my friends on AIM are obviously on drugs, but continue to talk to me and are really annoying

-Anything related to skateboarding

-When skateboarders complain about rollerbladers

-Rollerbladers

-People who bounce up and down on the back wheels of their BMX bikes

-People that complain about smokers all the time

-Smokers that complain about being persecuted all the time

-Everything about Carlos Mencia

and finally...

-The fact that I was recently peer-pressured into registering with Myspace

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Firefox is for nutmeats

I decided to wait up a bit on the Webcomics Roundup, since I just realized that I don't have the stamina right now to read through five of those damn things. Meanwhile, how about I talk about something else like this:

What the fuck is up with Firefox? What's so freaking great about it? Why is everyone always bitching every time a page doesn't work for their stupid-ass Firefox browser? I personally use Slimbrowser because it lets me open multitabs (Firefox can't do that shit). It also lets me zoom in and out, it blocks all pop-ups, it has a Google toolbar in the corner that DOESN'T put spyware on your computer... it's great.

What does Firefox do? It makes whatever webpage you go to that isn't specially designed for Firefox look like shit. I mean, look at my site! The voting button isn't centered! The link for my blog is supposed to be headline sized, with one of those <> thingies to make the text big, and Firefox makes it look all small

You know what else? I went to a website the other day to download something, and the fucking site presented this little message saying "We noticed that you're not using Firefox! You should really use Firefox, it blocks pop-ups!" Just like those douchebags at the gas station that yell "YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE IT'S BAD FOR YOU" when you try to buy cigarettes from them.

Really, what's so great about Firefox? Tell me, you hippies! And nobody try to pull that "well that's your opinion but..." shit before you try to criticize me. I know it's my damn opinion. I want to hear YOUR opinion.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Girl you betta gimme dat money!

Some good music for you to listen to is The Kleptones. It is an internet "band" (that is probably just one person) that takes samples from such as different songs and mashes them together into interesting new songs. Plus it is all free (since it would be illegal for this guy to try to sell his music to you), and there is like five really long albums on his site. Some good songs for you to start with are this Queen/Ol' Dirty Bastard song and this Clash/David Bowie song unless you are some sort of jackass that doesn't like good music (or Ol' Dirty Bastard). Be sure to save those to your desktop, since opening them in your browser can be problematic.

I will likely have a new cartoon some time on Tuesday probably, but you know how it is when I try to tell you when my next update will be. Also, I will most definitely do another Webcomics Roundup tomorrow, meaning lotsa laffs and gaffs and perhaps also some chaffs, which I believe are like countermeasures that planes release to keep heat-seeking missiles from hitting them. Be sure that you are ready for some of those.

Monday, April 17, 2006

What the hell...

I was deleting my spam mail today, and I noticed something very interesting in some of the subject lines. Here's some examples:

"It is a shame. Waterhouse knew Bobby Shaftoe, and would have liked to attend his funeral standing up--not skulking around like this. But Enoch Root and Rudy would both recognize him. Waterhouse is their enemy.qtW9"

"He rips the life preserver off over his head and lets it go. It shoots straight up and bursts out of the surface, burning like a comet. His oil-soaked clothing is tugging him relentlessly upwards, so he rips his shirt off and lets it tumble up towards the surface. His boots pull down, his oily pants push up, and he reaches some sort of equilibrium.OfU9d"

"Shoot," Shaftoe says.7x411

"Randy grinds his teeth for about a mile, and then says, "If there is any generalization at all that you can draw about how men think versus how women think, I believe it is that men can narrow themselves down to this incredibly narrow laser-beam focus on one tiny little subject and think about nothing else."jxqR4"

These subject lines, to the uneducated, might just seem like another series of random words strung together to get idiots to click their emails. However, these subject lines are actually excerpts from my favorite book, "Cryptonomicon."

Anyone want to explain this one to me?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Webcomics Roundup Part 2

Well, looks like I've moved up the list since last time, which means there's another five webcomics for me to berate. I decided to do it now because I'm listening to punk rock and it's making me all mad by default.

1 - Liberty's Jewell's (sic) by Mizark Dizark (?)

I really want to make fun of this comic, but after reading through the archives, I'm starting to think that English isn't this guy's first language. So, in order to maintain good international relations with Whatevercountrythisguyisfromistan, I'm going to ignore this comic and just ASSUME that my comic is better based on the fact that "Liberty's Jewell's" is about college students being "hilarious."

2 - Artist Adventure by Drago Draconis

Lessee... what's this... OH GOD IT'S A BADLY DRAWN FURRY COMIC OH SHIT OH SHIT


Okay, I'm fine. I automatically assume that my comic is better than every furry comic in existence, because... well, they're furry comics. If this generalization offends any of you, maybe you should go outside more often.

3 - Many Tidings Grim by Corgan Dane

Anyone out there read Goats? I used to read it all the time back in high school. However, at some point the comic started doing these excessively long storylines where Diablo the Chicken would be reminiscing about someone named Shazam Twix. I remember checking the comic every day and just seeing another damn Shazam Twix strip, and it was always boring and pointless and had nothing to do with the regular storyline, so I just stopped reading. I started reading again later, but they had just started another Shazam Twix storyline and I was off the comic for good.

I mention this because that's what it's like reading Many Tidings Grim, except all the time. You just get the general feeling of "who cares" whenever you start up on it. If it mixed it up with some outstanding humor, I might have given it a better rating, but... bleh. Who cares.

4 - Lost Trace Mission by Rengin Tumer

You all know my opinion on anime in general. It's all basically just cookie-cutter fantasy nonsense with cutesy characters with big eyes (the Boondocks excepted). Anyway, this comic is just kind of more of the same. I'd like to critique it with some more depth, but I can't bring myself to go through more than ten comics without being bored out of my skull (and the site is just a sea of broken links, anyway). Pass.

5 - omie by Omar El Alami

The basis for this comic seems to be that a dumpy white guy gets constantly berated by an offensive Asian stereotype named "Ping." Ping is short, has buck-teeth, squinty eyes, a bowl-cut, and says things like "Rook at you, day is raffing at you white man!" Other than that, the humor is about on par with your typical syndicated comic strip. Think "The Born Loser," except with racism. Don't anyone pull that Carlos Mencia "you're too PC" mess with me either, because that shit is tired.

Seems that Omar also has another comic called "Shizzy," which seems to be a lot of unfunny one-shot comics that one would find in a college newspaper somewhere. I would make the obvious joke about the comic's name ("this comic certainly IS Shizzy!"), but I'm beyond that. That shit isn't funny at all.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Webcomics roundup Pt. 1

We've got a new feature here at Biscuits for Breakfast called the "Webcomics Roundup." Basically, I will feature the five webcomics ahead of mine in the Buzzcomix ranking at any given time, and determine whether or not they're worthy of being ahead of my comic in said ranking. If you people keep voting for me, I'll be able to keep making these things, so if this doesn't turn out to be funny, you'd better not vote for me or else I'll keep making them and you'll be sad.

1 - Rogue Robot by Amory Abbot and Ben Roe.

The art on this comic is okay... I'm having trouble seeing the hook, though. I mean, it's funny, but it's not "I would ever actually laugh at this" funny. Kind of a mediocre caricature of all college-student webcomics in general. My comic is funnier.

2 - Bowser's Plan B by Commander Chaos

A sprite comic about Bowser. One of the good things about Comicgenesis is that sprite comics with pictures of video game characters are not allowed (I guess so they can make more room for the furry comics). A good example of the humor from this comic can be seen here. This particular strip is funny because Luigi is using Pikmins as soldiers instead of Toads because Toads are cowardly. Get it? THAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY OH MY GOD.
I think I can say with no amount of hubris that my comic deserves to be higher ranked than this... thing.

3 - Town Called Dobson by Storm Bear (?)

Some kind of a political comic that uses templates. The main problem with this comic is not necessarily the art (far be it from me to criticize someone for using templates), but the directionless political jokes. I mean, I know it's supposed to be liberal, and I backtracked quite a bit to see if I was missing some kind of continuity or something, but really, I don't know what this comic is supposed to mean. He could afford healing water because he drives a hybrid? EH? I mean, I'm not a professional on political humor or anything, but the least you could do is put some edge in there. Maybe you could spell out America with KKK instead of C? Maybe photoshop Bush's head onto Hitler's body? Find your niche.

4 - Podunk U by Bob Quaintence

This comic is like a trifecta of mediocrity. It's about college students, it recycles Dave Chappelle jokes, AND it's on an Angelfire site, meaning that you get pop-ups for going to this site. This comic is a BM.

5 - D.D.S.R. by RazorD9

Another sprite comic (although this one thankfully doesn't have videogame sprites). This comic advertises itself as being better than all those other comics where there are two college students talking to each other about inane bullshit because this one has a necromancer in it. There's only one comic up at this point, and I don't normally like to stomp all over a dude when he only has one comic up, but honestly, this comic really doesn't look like it's going to spring some cold Seinfeld shit on us any time soon. The first strip reminds me of the first Garfield comic ever drawn where Jon is sitting next to his deformed cat saying "Hi, there... I'm Jon Arbuckle. I'm a cartoonist, and this is my cat, Garfield" and then the cat proceeds to say (think?) "Hi, I'm Garfield. I'm a cat, and this is my cartoonist, Jon." My first comic was so much better than this first comic, and MY first comic didn't make a lick of sense.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

New vote button

I just swtiched away from that Webcomics List Voting Button Thingy System because it hadn't been working for like a month, and I'm tired of having a broken link displayed so prominently on my front page. I've got this new Buzzcomix thing going now, so you guys go vote your brains out now.

What's interesting, though, is that even though I just signed up not twenty minutes ago (as of this writing), I'm still not at the bottom of the list! Seems that either some people are signing up and not putting vote buttons on their sites, or their comics are so bad that they won't even vote for themselves. Either way, it's good for me... although I miss being able to see what ranking I'm at just by looking at my site. Meh.

By the way, let me remind everyone once again that if you're going to send me emails, PLEASE write something specific in the subject line (preferably with my name, or perhaps my website name in it). I've been getting something like 40 emails a day now and they're all this stupid tricky spam. I hate to think about how many well-written hate emails I've been accidentally deleting because of this.

If I don't put this comic out before I go to sleep the terrorists win

There, I have a new comic up, despite the fact that someone sent me a hate mail that totally hurt my self-esteem and made me feel bad about myself. You wouldn't believe how harmful it can be when some random person on the internet sends a whiny email at you for non-specific reasons.

Anyway, enjoy it. I stayed up until 6:00 am making it, dammit.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My first REAL hate mail

Sorry I'm being so lazy with the new comics. I guess I should really draw one soon... I've gotten some of my first hate mails recently because of that Hamburger guest comic I have up right now, and since I have nothing better to tell you people, I'll show you one of them, along with my response.

Now, be sure to... ahem, NOT to send this person tons of pissy emails. Not that I could stop you, anyway.
--------------------------------------
From: Helen - helpla@yahoo.com

Congratulations, your site has a collection of the worst comics I have ever seen.

The fact that I saw the hamburgers-cut-from-advertisements strip and let it slide, figured maybe it could only get beter, went to look at another one and then thought 'hmm, maybe he had a bad day' and looked at ANOTHER one only makes it so much more painful that I bothered to waste that many minutes of my life looking at your pathetic drivel.

The drawing is shocking, the plot goes nowhere, and the hamburger comic had the only slight representation of humor - which really isn't saying much.

Which leaves me very puzzled: if your comics are so terrible why do you bother to keep posting them? Why do you even bother drawing them? They should go back to being doodles on the margin of a really boring book, or the notepad by the phone.

Why torture yourself?

And me?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yahoo! Photos – NEW, now offering a quality print service from just 8p a photo.


And my response:

Now this is a hate mail. This guy sent me one a few days ago, but it was really shitty. It was like three sentences, it didn't really critique anything past the first comic, and it was generally very badly written. I mean, this guy was an IDIOT. Your email, however, has all the elements. It's long, for one thing... it looks like you put a lot of effort into this one. You didn't want me to just KNOW that my comic is bad, you wanted me to FEEL it.
It's hysterically written, too. I can just hear the shrillness in your high-pitched, whiny voice. And you use all the qualifying terms that one would expect. "Pathetic drivel?" "Shocking?" The implication that my website is "torturing" you? All fantastic.

A few suggestions for future emails, though. The subject line should contain something more specific than "ahem." This is a common mistake that many people make. I get probably 25 emails a day from people with names like "Helen" and "John" and such with subject lines like "hey" or "what" and I assume they're all spam. You're really lucky I read yours. Not that I'm challenging your creative sensibilities, of course... that congratulations at the beginning of your email was really well placed. I just read it and was like "Oh man, did I win a prize?" before you brought the hammer down. Really, nice work there.

Also, sorry, but I'm not interested in Yahoo photos. I understand that it's a quality print service, but that seemed fairly unrelated to the rest of the email. Try to stay to the point next time.

-Danny Alexander

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Habby Birvday!

Happy April Fools day! The fool is that I didn't post a new comic today. Surprise!

But yes, it was my birthday on the 31st, so now I am exactly 20 years old. My birthday presents were $107.00 in cash, and a $100 gift certificate at CompUSA, which is a good present because if I had just gotten another cold $100, I probably would have just put it in my bank account to appreciate in value, and then my stupid crappy bank would put it all into stocks involving miniature pianos and I would have lost it all.

Anyway, most of the people I've talked to recently have been saying "one more year" to me, since that's when they can take me out to bars and get me drunk and make me tell them embarrassing stories. Still, I think 20 is an important milestone, and I believe that I've progressed as a human being in the last 10 or so years. What was I doing ten years ago? Let's see:

-I was drawing a comic called "Jet Engine Jim," which was about a man who worked at Southwest Airlines and decided to steal and modify a jet engine so he could fly around and fight crime. His sidekick was "Copter Boy," a man who was four years older than Jim who had a helicopter rotor jammed through the top of his head and down through his torso. You will never get to read these comics, I'm sorry.

-My teacher, Mrs. Bishop, tore up a five page essay that I had written (that's a long essay for a ten-year-old) because it was a day late. My mom convinced me to start calling her "Mrs. Bitch-op." I did.

-I moved to Spokane from Port Orchard just as it was getting overrun by Californians. Californians turn every place they move to into a run-down slum filled with Doubletree Hotels. Thanks a lot, California.

-I wasn't turning in homework for any of my classes, ever. Now that I'm in college, though, I don't get as much homework, so I make up for it by not studying for tests and writing all my papers a day before they're due.

Anyway, hope you're all having a good spring break (or if you're on a semesterly schedule or aren't in college, I hope you're having a good trudge through the dull monotony of work). Tomorrow I'm finishing my most recent comic for all y'all, so check back in the later hours of the day.