Sunday, July 09, 2006

A story I forgot to relate about Canada

It's pretty lame that I'm making another post on a blog about some stuff I did on vacation only a little while after the last post, like I'm some loser that doesn't have anything better to do than write stuff on the internet. I pine for the days of yesteryear, when losers were cool dudes with leather jackets, who drove around in Mustangs, snorting cocaine and pushing over motorcycles starting a domino effect and ruining a bunch of bikes because they were cheated at a poker game or they lost some money at Keno. Now losers are just guys who type shit on the internet and people are like "fuck you, you're such a loser." There's no glory in it, no interesting stories to relate about it, nothing anyone would want to hear. You can't relate your internet stories to friends at a dinner party and be all like "Oh yeah, I saw this really mediocre website with like pictures of cats, so I sent the guy a really mean email and told him his cats were ugly."

But here I have a REAL story. It's not quite a funny story unless you think it's funny that I could have drowned, but I guess that's funny in its own way too.

I had decided to take the canoe out into the lake by myself, since our cabin came with a free canoe and our neighbors weren't using it because they were too busy being loud and stinking. Of course, my first mistake was that I was taking the canoe out by myself. The thing was huge, and not like a rowboat with the oars being held in place with rungs on the sides. If you wanted to go a different direction in the boat, you had to switch sides with your oar and paddle like a son of a bitch, meaning that I always had a choice of either going left or right at any given time.
My second mistake was wearing shoes and socks in the canoe, along with a long sleeve flannel shirt and a pair of Aviator sunglasses. Of course with an outfit like that, it was a given that I would flip my boat over the first two times I tried to get in, completely soaking me. My third mistake was not taking that as a sign to just go inside and change my clothes and enjoy some delicious hot chocolate. I could have done that at home.
My fourth mistake, and probably the worst one, was not noticing that it was a particularly windy day, and that the water was behaving more like a rapidly flowing river than a lake. Once I finally managed to successfully get the canoe into the water with me in it (the canoe, not the water), the boat was immediately pulled downstream (downlake?) at a speed of roughly twenty miles an hour. My dock disappeared from view about three minutes later, and it was about then that I decided I could barely even steer this damn thing, let alone paddle it back home. Luckily, my canoe managed to smash into someone's floating dock, and the rope at the end of the canoe snagged onto a piece of wood before I was pulled further away.
I had to make a decision at that point. I could either scramble onto the unstable dock and call for help, potentially humiliating myself, or I could jump into the water and try to pull the boat to shore, also potentially humiliating myself, but hopefully less. Mistake number five was jumping into the freezing water and basically going into shock for ten seconds. I grabbed the rope and wrapped it around my arm three times before pathetically doggy-paddling towards the nearest shore (I was at a FLOATING dock, mind you). I then proceeded to walk along the shallower waters, latching onto docks and struggling to keep my boat with me as the current threatened to steal it from me. This was, of course, still easier than actually pulling the thing onto dry land and heaving it that way, since I would still have to cut through peoples' properties to get back to my particular piece of shore. This didn't stop people from occasionally launching barbs at me from the safety of their beach chairs, though. "You know, canoes are much better when you're actually inside them, eh?"
Had both my hands been free at the time, I probably would have flipped them off, but instead I just shouted "Yeah, I guess."


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